What kind of day has it been?

Sometimes it doesn't matter. No matter what the reality, the facts on the ground so to speak, mood is still like surfing a wave. It takes its own shape. I've been trying to find a pattern, but I think there is none.

My Buddhist former boss told me the three essences of being - physical, emotional and mental - balance and influence each other in equal measure. Exercising makes your heart lighter, thinking positive speeds healing, feeling content aids in decision-making, etc. It's the theory behind meditation and probably some kinds of yoga, too. It's almost scary how much it's true. In Cambodia I'd come home from work feeling hot and awkward and lonely and I'd listen to music on my little speakers and not even remember feeling bad 20 minutes later. Even if I was listening to sadbastard music! Thinking about sucking it up, rationalizing the pros and cons of my situation, even trying to think happy thoughts wouldn't improve my mood. But distracting my brain through my ears turned my frown upside down. I'd still be alone and hot, but I wouldn't feel bothered. Of course, there's always a danger of the inverse, which is why Sigur Ros should come with a warning label.

Working around whatever is bugging you by targeting another "essence" is a good strategy, but it's also so frustrating! Why isn't happiness just a little more rational, or based on actual events? Why can't I convince myself to get in a better mood? Why can't the runner's high (from running, or sometimes from social activity) extend to buffer your mood for the day? Why doesn't talking to a friend work? I want to do good things and feel good, feel better when things are better and only feel worse when something goes wrong. That my mood is often beholden to caprice makes me feel crazy, or like a child.

I'm thinking about this now because a few months ago I was at home, without a real job, without much figured out, without much of a social network and feeling bent out of shape about it. Now I'm still at home, unemployed and 3000 miles from most of my friends, but I just don't worry as much. It could be because I'm moving to New York or just, uh, maturing generally, but Big Life Things - dream job, love, future goals - are still unknown and unsatisfied. And I'm OK with that? Weird.